Loki´s Laughter - Heathen Humor

The Creation of the World

Original in German by Arcanum; translation abridged

Persons: God, Allah, Satan and Odin.

The Universe is waste and empty. The camera zooms in on four figures who look like the reader imagines them.

God: "So, guys, let´s go on."
Odin: "Yes. Is it my turn at the dice?"
Satan: "Hmhm."
Odin: "Nine ! To whom belongs Park Place ?"
Silence.
Odin: "Then I buy it."
Allah: "Hey, folks, do you know what I´ve got a mind to ?"
God: "Of course we know. We´re Gods."
Satan: "Indeed? Not me, I thought."
God: "Well, yeah, but we let you play anyway."
Satan: "So what do you feel like, Allah? Jeopardy?"
Allah: "Nope. I´d like to make another World."
Odin: "Aw, c´mon, I did one yesterday. Wasn´t that fun, I couldn´t make the poles as beautiful as God last week."
God: "Hehe, thanks."
Allah: "A World with living beings on it ! Not something like that thing over there with a ring around it."
Odin: "I like the idea."
Satan: "Living beings sounds good. Let´s do it."
God: "You don´t do anything here."

God shapes a disc.

God: "Okay?"
Allah: "No, they´ll all fall down. Make a prism !"
Odin: "No! A sphere!"
Satan: "A sphere ? Big news !"
Allah: "Over there we have (counts) 456843565436576 spheres lying around!"
Odin: "Then it´s 456843565436577 spheres now. One more or less..."
God: "Ok."

He forms the disc into a sphere.

Satan: "Well, it begins to look quite nice."
Allah: "The idea with water and land is okay. But distribute the stuff a bit better!"

Allah pulls at the supercontinent.

Odin: "I liked the thick land mass beforehand better!"
Odin pushes everything together again.
Allah: "Stop it ! I want several continents !"

Allah beats his fist on the supercontinent.

Satan: "Now look what you´ve done ! Over there everything is full of little crumbs."
Gott: "Let´s call them Indonesia."
O, A, S: "Huh??"
God: "Just an idea."
Odin: "Ok, guys. Everybody takes a bit of land and forms a continent. God can make the poles, he´s good at them."
G, S, A: "Aye aye!"

All are busily shaping. Satan has some problems.

Satan: "It doesn´t work! I´ve got land leftover."
Odin: "Smear it down yonder and call it Australia."
Allah:  "Do we make the living beings now ?"
Satan: "Yes. I´ve got a sketch here..."

Produces a three trillion square miles sheet of paper.

God: (reads) "Hm, here it says they are: ´Sadistic, mean, greedy, egoistic, blood-thirsty, and generally evil.´"
Odin: "That´s too long and awkward. Let´s just call them ´men´.

God makes a man and put him upright before him. 

Man:"Chchchchch!"
Satan:"What´s wrong? Oh, I forgot men can´t survive in a vacuum ."
Allah:"You made a mistake ! Hee hee."
Satan:"Hey, now listen, you..."
Odin:"Stop it! God, create an athmosphere, or he will peg out !"

God creates.
God:"Ok, let´s put him upright."
God puts.
Man stands.

Man:" ."
Allah:"So, now who does the talking to him?"
Odin:"Me! Me!"
Satan:"I want to. It´s my sketch, so I´ll talk to him."

Man looks around rather confusedly on an empty world.
Satan:"Hey!"
Man:"Aaargh!"
Man jumps into the air with fright and dies of heartstroke before touching the the ground.

God:"Great. They´re not only sadistic, mean, greedy, egoistic, blood-thirsty, and generally evil, they´re wimps as well!"
Satan:"Yeah, beat me. I´m no god, I sometimes make mistakes !"

Allah puts the man up.
Man falls down again.

Odin:"Perhaps we should first decorate the world with the other rubbish."
Satan:"Rubbish?"
Odin:"Trees, grass, slugs, ...stuff. Perhaps he feels more comfy then."
Allah:"True. You remember the yellow planet, over there in the left corner ? There´s only ice and a solitary being, you know, Odin, the one you called Olaf?"
Odin:"Yes, I remember. Olaf is slithering through the landscape the third year now. Tough life."
Satan:"Sad, tough, pathetic, and really funny!"

God creates trees, grass, potatoes, eggplants, pigs, leguans, and an ozelot called Harald.
Satan creates crocodiles, sharks, pitbulls and lions, to liven things up.
Odin and Allah make the rest, and experiment a bit.
Odin:"The man´s trunk fits on the grey animal there quite good."

God:"So. What do we call this man, by the way?"
Satan:"Kurt."
Odin:"Martin."
Allah:"Giovanni."
God:"What about Adam?"
O,S,A:"Adam ?"
God:"Adam means "I am the first man, and don´t you say anything against that !"

Odin:"Ok, that fits. Hey, Adam, wake up!"
Man collapses with fright.
God:"Perhaps we should have left his trunk."
Odin:"That gets on my nerves.HEY!"
Man goes crazy.
Allah:"Now look at the mess, idiot."
God puts Man away.
Odin:"What did you say?"
Satan:"Let´s keep him for later, as singer maybe, you never know... do you like the name Jackson?"
Odin:"What did you say?"
God:"He said idiot."
Odin hits Allah.
Allah:"Ow!"
God:"Hey, stop it!"
Odin:"Shut up, you wannabe deity!"
God joins the brawling.
Satan is hit by an elbow, and now everybody is thrashing each other.

After three hundred thousand years everybody sits pouting in a quickly created corner.

God:"I tell ya, one day I will be the only God in whom the (counts) two million men down there believe."
Satan:"I´ll beat you anytime, you shady godlet!"
Odin:"Him maybe, but neither of you will come near my success!"
Allah:"I´ll have the most adherents!"
Satan:"As flypaper maybe. Wait till Aleister Crowley is born, then I have a Messiah!"
God:"I´ll send one too!"
Allah:"Me too!"
Odin:"And I, I´ll go myself!"

The four disappear wherever gods disappear when they plan their strategy.
......

Ozzy Osbourne and Eric Clapton are passing Earth.

Eric:"Look at that chaos!"
Ozzy:"Really. These four guys only have nonsense in mind."
Eric:"Hey, there´s another faith war going!"
Ozzy:"Stupid world. But somehow..."
Eric:"Yeah, somehow..."
Ozzy:"We could, you know..."
Eric:"Just a short time..."
Ozzy:"Say for seventy, eighty years..."
Eric:"Let´s go. Will you play the guitar or shall I ?"